Appointment Rescheduled

Good or bad? I have said my stress level gets higher the closer to an appointment I get. I of course worry and get more concerned they'll find something. I don't think it helps much that I do have thyroid nodules in my neck. One you can actually see. I hate it. I do believe they cause some pressure in my throat that comes and goes. The bad part being, it's hard to know what is caused by the thyroid and what isn't. I don't want to assume anything. The pressure like I said isn't constant but on days when I am feeling it the what ifs haunt me. I think I'd like to have the nodules taken care of but my thyroid is still functioning normally. I am not really sure what they would do about those, if anything. The oncologists office called and rescheduled my appointment for May 7th. It had been set for April 24th. I was officially diagnosed around May 7th 2007. I had the biopsy surgery on May 4th that year and it took a few days for an official diagnosis because they had to send the sample to the Mayo Clinic. I am in some ways very much looking forward to this appointment because I am getting the CAT scan and the ECHO done. I want confirmation that everything is good so I can relax a bit. I have had no scans since the clear PET scan and it does make me a bit nervous. I feel this could be the peace of mind I have been searching for.

How I Deal With Not Feeling the Same

I guess I always thought once someone beat cancer they went right on back to feeling just as they used to. I really believed after a year I'd be my usual old self again and really for the most part I am. The talk I had with the doc at my last appointment really opened my eyes about all the pressure I still have in my neck. I must stress it is NOTHING compared to what I felt when I was sick. It doesn't even compare to how I felt for 2 years before I even knew I was sick. I used to feel a lump in there like all day every day. I felt as though someone had their thumbs jammed into either side of my neck and I felt like I was standing on my head all day long. If my hubby hugged me I'd gag and choke and cough. I really should have known something was terribly wrong but I believed the docs insisting it was my thyroid. I felt constantly frustrated that they wouldn't help me. I didn't know what else to do. I figured I had to live with the discomfort.

Back on the subject at hand though. I have pressure in my neck veins. It does feel like the sensation you would get when standing on your head...but just in my veins in my neck. It's hard to explain. It's a fullness and it's annoying. I discussed it with my oncologist and basically since my vein on the side of the tumor was almost totally blocked off, my blood started working it's way around the problem. It's not quite as efficient. I see new little veins sometimes when I sing or talk a lot. I can tell the veins really pop out and so could he. He said it might get better or more likely I'll get used to it. I love to sing and this does cause some problems with it. It's not major but it makes me hold notes a little less long and it also makes me VERY aware of the bulging veins in my neck. I am worried everyone is looking at me thinking that I am straining myself but truly I am not. It's just like that. I also have this thyroid nodule in my neck that you can see. It's not huge or obviously you'd see it in all my pics. You could see it if you met me and I told you where it was. There are so many things I have to get used to. The scars on my chest I think I am finally accepting as a part of me. I wore my Halloween costume and didn't think much of it until my daughter asked if it bothered me. I shrugged and realized that no...it did not bother me. I think that alone is a pretty big step. I can't wait to be totally used to the different pressure in my neck and I remind myself to just be thankful that it's not like it was!

And the Results Are In

It was a long drive. It's almost a four hour drive. I was running a bit behind today. I picked the girls up from school and we started off. We got there and as usual Gabriella is quite the star. Those doctors and nurses watched me go from around 92 pounds, frail and sick to around 127 pounds round and pregnant. Now I am back down around a comfy 102. They saw Gabbi grow from a tiny little baby to a big 11 month old little girl. One of the nurses snatched her right away and started walking her around showing her off. She loved it and was waving at everyone! It was so cute.

Now yes...I know I am making you all wait for the news. haha I have to. The doc came in and I told him about the pressure of course. We discussed this and basically, I do have scar tissue but when my veins got pretty much blocked off from the tumor he said my veins started to reroute or move and the blood flow tried to go other ways. I know our blood will do this, such as in when someone has a stroke. The vessels can find new paths...maybe even create new paths. I am not 100% positive. I do feel pressure but usually when doing things like singing, talking a lot, crying, or anything involving the upper chest area. Doc said I may always have it, I may not and maybe I'll just get used to it. I may just not ever be normal like I used to. Things aren't the same and he did notice the veins in my neck as I always do. I hate them. He felt my lymph nodes, and they were perfect. He said I am so skinny that he'd feel even a slight swelling. hee hee. I tell you, he always talks about how skinny I am. =/ I don't necessarily mind really. haha My blood work came back great. My checkup went perfectly. STILL in remission!!! Thank God! I am really relieved. I started to get worried. This pressure has always been on the back of my mind. If I wear shirts that tie around the neck, I feel it. It's never been like what it was when I was sick. Yet it is there on occasion and it makes me very nervous.
Now to top the day off we decided to go out to dinner at TGI Fridays. I loved it. We haven't gone out to eat in so long. It was so wonderful. Then we stopped later to get gas and some drinks. I saw a breast cancer lottery ticket. All proceeds benefit breast cancer so I thought, I'm gonna do it. I'll buy one. I am feeling lucky. I also felt good that my money would go somewhere good even if I lose, the money goes somewhere good. You match your winning numbers or get a 10 and win all ten prizes. I got a 10!!! I won $25. Yeah! :) I never win on scratch tickets. I am happy, relieved and glad that long drive is over. My next appointment is January 23rd. I'm sure I'll get this way again. I always do. I appreciate so much all the comments and words of support. It's so hard doing this. I know in 5 years I will be considered cured. I have to be in remission for 5 years. So, as of February 2009 it will be just one year. I found badges online for each year of remission. I hope to continue adding badges each year!