Sunday, August 3, 2008

Bit of a Disappointment Today

I had a bit of a disappointment today. I can only say I came close to being able to share Gabbi's story on a wider scale but it fell through. It was an exciting thought! I am still working on my book and I hope to have it finished in a month or two. haha I don't really want to rush it. I want everything to be accurate. Not only that but I have to stop and cry every now and then. It's hard reliving everything. I totally relive it all when writing about it. Sometimes things I forget come flooding back. It's hard. The joy comes back too. Like the day Gabriella was born. My husband and I had some time alone together last night. My older three were invited to a sleep over and Gabbi was sleeping. So, we lay in bed just talking. He began to talk about how incredibly happy he was when she was born. It wasn't hard to tell. He cried like a baby himself. Let me tell you my hubby is not a crier! I have not seen him shed tears very often in our marriage and even then, not more then one or two tears he didn't manage to wipe away before I saw them. It was different when Gabbi was born though. Here was this miracle we didn't know for sure would even live. We had to inject chemo into my body every two weeks with the uncertainty of whether or not it would hurt her. It's incredibly hard. I had cramps after all my chemos but they only became strong enough to really worry about at the second to last one. They didn't go away. The fear then was incredible. It was 30 weeks. After a trip with Life Flight and a long 5 days in the hospital I was sent home on strict bed rest. That is also hard with three other children in the house! I managed but it happened after the last chemo. It was kind of amusing almost. The last chemo I had the ceremony for my completion. I rang the gong. Oh how amazing that was...and hard to not cry! I held back the tears but even the nurses were choking back their own tears. I felt the minor crampiness during all of it. I went straight to the hospital on the way home. They were able to stop the contractions in one night this time around. For the record, magnesium drip is awful. Anyway that was only 4 weeks before my beautiful girl made it into this world. All my other girls never cried right at birth. They waited about 10 to 15 minutes before I finally got worried then they would cry. I prayed hard about Gabbi. I didn't want her to wait so long! I was already scared. I just said quickly while in labor, "God, please make her scream as soon as she comes out so I know she is breathing and OK!" Sure enough she cried the second she came out. That's my girl. I think she said mom today. I hate jumping to conclusions but I try so hard every single day to get her to say it. I always repeat mama while touching my nose, then touch hers and say Gabbi. I had her in her highchair today. I looked at her and said "Say mama and I'll get you out." I chuckled and sighed and started to open her chair. She did a lot of babbling but clear as a bell I heard "mommmmm" And let me tell ya. It does NOT matter if she meant it or not. It made my day! :)