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Saturday, January 2, 2010

What Do I Say?

Right now the only thing on my mind is my dad. I am missing him and don't really want to talk about much else. I do have school on my mind still. I have to get my transcripts sent off to the new college. I have to figure out how I am going to pay for it all. There is still a ton to do. The only thing I think of though is that my dad will never see me graduate.

I keep seeing his face. He hasn't been gone long enough for it to seem real. I was with him up until the night of the 27th....when he passed. The day before he died he only opened his eyes about halfway for seconds at a time. If he heard his name called, or if there was a loud noise. I whispered into his ear that he was the best dad ever. He kind of raised his brows in a shrug. Everyone in my family knows this shrug. I told him I was sorry I ever took him for granted. He went back to sleep. I know he heard me. His facial expressions showed me that he did.

Just a couple of weeks ago in the emergency room I talked to my dad a lot. He seemed a lot more awake and much more talkative than he had been. He did get confused a lot but he still understood and knew a lot at the same time. At one point he asked me to spin around in a circle. I had no idea why. I figured he was confused...but I did. I turned around for him. He just smiled and reached his hand out to me. I think he just wanted to look....and remember. Then my big sister Donna was standing on one side of his bed, me on the other. He smiled and lifted each hand. He put his hand on Donna's face and his other hand on mine. He looked from her face to mine....just touching and looking. I knew what he was doing but honestly, I just didn't want to think about it. He has thought from the beginning that he was dying. Not one of us were even thinking of it as a possibility.

These are just some thoughts. I will end how my dad would end any conversation.....whenever you left my parents house my dad would always say "God Bless ya Brother [sister]".


Monday, December 28, 2009

My Birthday, and Yet Another Loss

I have definitely been thinking while my dad has been ill that I absolutely did not want him to die on my birthday. I knew I would lose him, but I begged God to not let that day be the 29th. It may seem selfish but I wanted my dad to have his own day. I didn't want to always be sad or mourn on my birthday. I realize now that I will anyway. My dad passed away on December 27th. Tomorrow, on December 29th I will be 34. It doesn't feel like a happy birthday.

The visitation is Wednesday and the funeral is Thursday. Somehow my birthday is free of any of that stuff and for that I am thankful. I want to not really celebrate, but rather relax. I have been remembering my dad constantly. I think of him and his smiling face. I love him so much and always will. I told him repeatedly in his last day.

I don't talk much about this. It's still hard for me. This is my second major loss this time of year. This is the closest to me, but I lost a best friend December 28th 1992. Raquel was just 16 when she lost her life. I won't go into any details. Just know that up until this year that was the worst birthday of my life. I loved her. We had our petty teenage arguments (as my dear aunt Celeste knows) but they were foolish. I miss her and love her. I learned some hard lessons from what happened that year. I have been thinking of it constantly because I knew that it might end up being on the same day. The ironic thing is after my friend Raquel passed away her sister also a good friend Celeste married my uncle Joe. That uncle is my dad's brother. Now he has lost a brother on December 27 and she lost a sister on December 28th. I really and truly wondered if my dad would pass away on the 28th. In a way I am glad he didn't. I think it's best to have those dates separate.

My pain is deep and my thoughts are jumbled but I don't care to edit. I think you all get the point today. I am worried that I'll always fear my birthday. Getting older is not the problem! Bring on the age. Bring on the years. Bring on the wrinkles. I have earned them all!!!

The World Just Lost a Great Man

My dad passed away tonight. He lost his battle with pancreatic cancer at 10:23 p.m. on December 27, 2009. The obituary will say 11:30 because that is how Hospice logged it....but I held his hand as he took his last breath.

I got to his house at about 11:30 this morning. He moan and sort of yelled out at around 5 or 6 p.m. and did not breathe for a few seconds. This happened again a few minutes later. I knew it was going to be soon. Still, the whole thing has been surreal. It happened so fast. Even 2 weeks ago I still had hope he would make it, somehow. We had the surgery all lined up then they dealt us the horrible blow that he had pancreatic cancer. We brought him home, where he wanted to be.

I knelt by his bed, cried and held his hand as he left this world. The world has lost a great man, but heaven has gained a great soul. I love you dad. I miss you.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

It's Getting Close, Prayers

The hospice nurse told use yesterday my dad has maybe 72 hours at most. I was with him until about 2 a.m. and decided to come get some rest. I am heading back now in a few moments. We doubt he'll last much longer. I can't help but hate that the holidays have been so bad for us. I remember how much my dad loved this time of year. My birthday is in 2 days as well. I lost one of my best friends 17 years ago on the 28th. All of these things are making this time of year harder and harder. I love the holidays too. I have to learn to separate the bad from the good. It's difficult.

Anyway, we need prayers. It gets scary sometimes listening to him breathe. I left when it sounded better. There is also a TON of snow on the ground. We got a big snow storm yesterday and it's going again now. I hope the roads aren't bad. I only have about 10 miles, but the drifting out there can get bad. I need some inner strength to get through this whole thing as well. I believe as it draws closer and closer to the very end, it will be really hard to hold it together at all.