Monday, December 28, 2009

My Birthday, and Yet Another Loss

I have definitely been thinking while my dad has been ill that I absolutely did not want him to die on my birthday. I knew I would lose him, but I begged God to not let that day be the 29th. It may seem selfish but I wanted my dad to have his own day. I didn't want to always be sad or mourn on my birthday. I realize now that I will anyway. My dad passed away on December 27th. Tomorrow, on December 29th I will be 34. It doesn't feel like a happy birthday.

The visitation is Wednesday and the funeral is Thursday. Somehow my birthday is free of any of that stuff and for that I am thankful. I want to not really celebrate, but rather relax. I have been remembering my dad constantly. I think of him and his smiling face. I love him so much and always will. I told him repeatedly in his last day.

I don't talk much about this. It's still hard for me. This is my second major loss this time of year. This is the closest to me, but I lost a best friend December 28th 1992. Raquel was just 16 when she lost her life. I won't go into any details. Just know that up until this year that was the worst birthday of my life. I loved her. We had our petty teenage arguments (as my dear aunt Celeste knows) but they were foolish. I miss her and love her. I learned some hard lessons from what happened that year. I have been thinking of it constantly because I knew that it might end up being on the same day. The ironic thing is after my friend Raquel passed away her sister also a good friend Celeste married my uncle Joe. That uncle is my dad's brother. Now he has lost a brother on December 27 and she lost a sister on December 28th. I really and truly wondered if my dad would pass away on the 28th. In a way I am glad he didn't. I think it's best to have those dates separate.

My pain is deep and my thoughts are jumbled but I don't care to edit. I think you all get the point today. I am worried that I'll always fear my birthday. Getting older is not the problem! Bring on the age. Bring on the years. Bring on the wrinkles. I have earned them all!!!

10 comments:

jam said...

my prayers are with your family.

Posh Totty said...

I am sorry your birthday is laced with so much sadness, thinking of you on your special day Xxx

maryanne said...

You are in our prayers also. Hoping you find some happy times with your children and husband today...

Shop with Me Mama said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your Daddy :( My heart is breaking for you and your family. Big HUGS to you and prayers.

Lynne said...

Prayers and ((hugs)) for you and your family. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad, he sounds like he was a wonderful man.

ManOverBoard.com said...

I am so sorry and my deepest sympathies to you and your family. Such a tragic loss. My prayers are with you and your family at this most hurtful time, God Bless, Glenn and family

Matthew C. Keegan said...

My prayers and sympathy are with you during this time. May you find peace and rest in the midst of this storm.

Ori said...

He's in Great Hands of God.
and may God gives you and the family enough strength


hugs

Anonymous said...

I checked your post today. I did a couple of weeks ago and I do periodically. I found your blog when I was told my thyroid biopsy led my docs to believe I had NHL. Scared out of my mind (having just lost my mom and 1 month later giving birth) I was looking for info while awaiting surgery. Thank you Lord that I got a call 2 years to the day of my mother's death from breast cancer they told me it was benign. Anyway, I want you to know that your strength and your story helped me get to a level of acceptance and bravery going into the what ifs. I pray for you and your family often and have cried for your struggles. I will keep praying and thinking of you in this great time of loss. Your daddy made a strong little girl. Just lean on Christ, he has a will and reason.

Anna said...

I am sorry for your loss, but glad for you that you could be with him. When own father died, I was an ocean away from him. Everything that you have done for him will help you.

By the way, December 28th is my birthday! So your birthday is just one day after mine. This is not an easy time of year to have a birthday, with all the holidays, and loosing a loved-one doesn't make it easier. My grandfather died on Christmas Eve when I was 14 years old, and it did put a damper om Christmas cheer for us after that.(We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve in Sweden.)

I wish you well in 2010 (as I am writing this on January 7th; didn't know where else to put this comment.)
Hugs,
Anna