Saturday, October 4, 2008
It's hard to believe so much time has passed since I was declared free of cancer. Just the words make me get tears in my eyes. The fear never goes away. I am not sure about others, but for me I always assumed if I ever had cancer, once I was declared in remission I would be no longer afraid. I assumed I would be happy all the time, glad I made it through and that would be that. It's really not how it works. I always have this fear of it coming back. It comes back strong right around the time you are due for a follow up. It comes creeping up every single time you have a strange pain, or for me whenever I feel any pressure in my neck. I always feel some pressure in there. I have four thyroid nodules, one you can honestly see. It drives me crazy. I know I have scar tissue in my chest. I particularly notice the pressure when I sing. I especially notice it because my neck veins bulge out I think a little more than a normal person's do while singing. Or maybe that's just me being obsessive? I am not sure. Regardless my doctor did tell me he didn't think it would come back. I hold on to that truly. It gives me a little extra faith. I responded so immediately and well to the treatment so he just doesn't think it will return. There is always the added risk for other cancers because of my treatments. It's an ironic world and one of the biggest reasons we need something better. We need a cure. Radiation put me at a higher risk for other cancers and so did chemo. From what I hve been told and read, I am at a higher risk for leukemia, breast cancer, lung cancer, thyroid cancer...to name a few. I am not sure really if there are others. It's just a risk though and honestly aren't we all at risk? I can't live every day fearing the unknown so I don't. It does creep in now and again but I promptly shove it out. It's not a way to live. I thank God for each day and I'll continue to live and just be thankful for each moment. I am including a new picture of my little miracle baby. It's amazing to me now thinking how she is going to be one next month! So much time has gone by. I carried this little one throughout my cancer and treatments. She is healthy and well and on her way to being one. I think it won't be more than a month or two before she is walking. She's holding on to my hands and walking all over the place. She's already hard to keep up with. She has quite the little personality. Telling her no does no good because she finds it incredibly funny and only does whatever you told her NOT to do, faster and giggling hysterically. She's definitely a little comedian. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. She'll have her 12 month check up next month along with shots. Those times are always difficult because it chokes me up. It's crazy but it's true. Mothers often get teary eyed watching nurses poke their little one. They don't understand and look at you for protection because it hurts! haha It's a helpless feeling.
Here's the recent pic I promised of my Gabriella.
Here's the recent pic I promised of my Gabriella.
Yes....I managed to spill coffee on my laptop. It's funny how these things happen. I always sit at my laptop and sip coffee, knowing in the back of my mind I am taking a risk. It's a risk worth taking, or so I tell myself. At least until the morning, when I send my cup flying into the air and back down on me and my laptop. I really am not quite sure how the cup slipped, or how it got so much air. Literally, it was above my head and I saw it coming back down. It spilled all over the laptop. I immediately turned the laptop upside down and grabbed a blanket I had been covering up with and started drying it off. The laptop shut off. I felt this dread in the pit of my stomach. I dried it as good as I could and kept it upside down, thinking perhaps I could keep the coffee from hitting the main components inside. Finally I turned it back up and let it sit....battery out..unplugged. It sat. For about 15 hours. I then checked for damage. I looked for spilled coffee under the keys...and wiped up any spots I saw. It wasn't all that bad. I didn't see any coffee in the battery compartment. I plugged it in...and nothing. It had an orange battery light. I decided to wait until morning. I got up in the morning and with a nervous hand, turned my laptop on. It started booting up. I was biting my nails as the screen saying "Windows didn't shut down properly" or something of that nature popped up. It came to a dark screen and it started to beep. It was an ear piercing loud beeeeeep beeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I didn't know what it meant and I couldnt' stop it. After about 30 seconds of this hideously loud beeping...it went to my login screen. I entered my password and it worked. My keys are sticking slightly...and I don't think the down arrow works at all. I will count my blessings though because quite honestly I didn't expect it to work at all. Just having a laptop is a wonderful treat for me. I can't believe I did this! I am really disgusted with myself and now my coffee is located a safe distance away from my laptop. For now, I am forced to live with sticky keys and a broken down arrow. I rebooted once and it still does the beeping thing on startup. That's a truly bad thing when there is a sleeping baby in the house. Regardless, I am still thankful and in complete shock that it works at all!!