Saturday, October 4, 2008

October Already! Follow up Number Three Coming Soon

It's hard to believe so much time has passed since I was declared free of cancer. Just the words make me get tears in my eyes. The fear never goes away. I am not sure about others, but for me I always assumed if I ever had cancer, once I was declared in remission I would be no longer afraid. I assumed I would be happy all the time, glad I made it through and that would be that. It's really not how it works. I always have this fear of it coming back. It comes back strong right around the time you are due for a follow up. It comes creeping up every single time you have a strange pain, or for me whenever I feel any pressure in my neck. I always feel some pressure in there. I have four thyroid nodules, one you can honestly see. It drives me crazy. I know I have scar tissue in my chest. I particularly notice the pressure when I sing. I especially notice it because my neck veins bulge out I think a little more than a normal person's do while singing. Or maybe that's just me being obsessive? I am not sure. Regardless my doctor did tell me he didn't think it would come back. I hold on to that truly. It gives me a little extra faith. I responded so immediately and well to the treatment so he just doesn't think it will return. There is always the added risk for other cancers because of my treatments. It's an ironic world and one of the biggest reasons we need something better. We need a cure. Radiation put me at a higher risk for other cancers and so did chemo. From what I hve been told and read, I am at a higher risk for leukemia, breast cancer, lung cancer, thyroid cancer...to name a few. I am not sure really if there are others. It's just a risk though and honestly aren't we all at risk? I can't live every day fearing the unknown so I don't. It does creep in now and again but I promptly shove it out. It's not a way to live. I thank God for each day and I'll continue to live and just be thankful for each moment. I am including a new picture of my little miracle baby. It's amazing to me now thinking how she is going to be one next month! So much time has gone by. I carried this little one throughout my cancer and treatments. She is healthy and well and on her way to being one. I think it won't be more than a month or two before she is walking. She's holding on to my hands and walking all over the place. She's already hard to keep up with. She has quite the little personality. Telling her no does no good because she finds it incredibly funny and only does whatever you told her NOT to do, faster and giggling hysterically. She's definitely a little comedian. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. She'll have her 12 month check up next month along with shots. Those times are always difficult because it chokes me up. It's crazy but it's true. Mothers often get teary eyed watching nurses poke their little one. They don't understand and look at you for protection because it hurts! haha It's a helpless feeling.
Here's the recent pic I promised of my Gabriella.



2 comments:

Tracey said...

Your little one is a pumpkin! Too cute.
I love the name Gabriella.
We considered that name for our first. Except we had a boy!

smalltownsexy said...

She is beautiful. I am so amazed that you were able to beat the cancer and still deliver a healthy baby. You are an inspiration to many women. I hope that you and your family continue to be healthy.