Been a Few Days

I normally refrain from making a post about the last time I posted. However since it has been a few days I decided to just go with it. I have allowed myself a little time to grieve to myself. It's been a hard year and it ended very hard. Now things are just moving right along, whether I am ready or not.

I miss my dad. I really do. I find it hard to just go about the normal things in life but I have to. First of all he would want me to. I can actually see him looking at me like an oddball for even suggesting I find it hard not to. He had a way of really expressing himself without saying a word. You knew what he was thinking merely by his facial expressions. It makes me laugh to think about it! Some were pretty funny.

The second reason is for myself and third is for my family. They need me and they are grieving too. My husband feels he lost a dad. My girls miss their grandpa. He was a wonderful man. You all take my word on that. As we have all joked, the fish are probably celebrating. Way too many are going to get big and fat now that my dad isn't there to catch them.

The thing is, I start school. I start school soon. I have dilemma after dilemma and I am concentrating a lot of my brain power on that right now. I found out I only qualified for just over $6,000 in student loans. That's great except my tuition costs alone are over $7000. That doesn't include books, lab coats and day care. I don't know how I am going to do it. We are trying everything. I really thought my loans would cover it. They always have. I can't get a regular loan right now. I have so many medical bills that my credit is NOT good. My hubby took a pay cut at work. He took two actually so right now they are basing our income off of money we no longer make.

I have filled out papers. I have sent in transcripts. I have done so much. I have had a terrible headache today and yet I have hope. I have one more option, but I think it's the last one. I have definitely had way too much stress lately!

What Do I Say?

Right now the only thing on my mind is my dad. I am missing him and don't really want to talk about much else. I do have school on my mind still. I have to get my transcripts sent off to the new college. I have to figure out how I am going to pay for it all. There is still a ton to do. The only thing I think of though is that my dad will never see me graduate.

I keep seeing his face. He hasn't been gone long enough for it to seem real. I was with him up until the night of the 27th....when he passed. The day before he died he only opened his eyes about halfway for seconds at a time. If he heard his name called, or if there was a loud noise. I whispered into his ear that he was the best dad ever. He kind of raised his brows in a shrug. Everyone in my family knows this shrug. I told him I was sorry I ever took him for granted. He went back to sleep. I know he heard me. His facial expressions showed me that he did.

Just a couple of weeks ago in the emergency room I talked to my dad a lot. He seemed a lot more awake and much more talkative than he had been. He did get confused a lot but he still understood and knew a lot at the same time. At one point he asked me to spin around in a circle. I had no idea why. I figured he was confused...but I did. I turned around for him. He just smiled and reached his hand out to me. I think he just wanted to look....and remember. Then my big sister Donna was standing on one side of his bed, me on the other. He smiled and lifted each hand. He put his hand on Donna's face and his other hand on mine. He looked from her face to mine....just touching and looking. I knew what he was doing but honestly, I just didn't want to think about it. He has thought from the beginning that he was dying. Not one of us were even thinking of it as a possibility.

These are just some thoughts. I will end how my dad would end any conversation.....whenever you left my parents house my dad would always say "God Bless ya Brother [sister]".


Sandi