Monday, November 3, 2008

How I Deal With Not Feeling the Same

I guess I always thought once someone beat cancer they went right on back to feeling just as they used to. I really believed after a year I'd be my usual old self again and really for the most part I am. The talk I had with the doc at my last appointment really opened my eyes about all the pressure I still have in my neck. I must stress it is NOTHING compared to what I felt when I was sick. It doesn't even compare to how I felt for 2 years before I even knew I was sick. I used to feel a lump in there like all day every day. I felt as though someone had their thumbs jammed into either side of my neck and I felt like I was standing on my head all day long. If my hubby hugged me I'd gag and choke and cough. I really should have known something was terribly wrong but I believed the docs insisting it was my thyroid. I felt constantly frustrated that they wouldn't help me. I didn't know what else to do. I figured I had to live with the discomfort.

Back on the subject at hand though. I have pressure in my neck veins. It does feel like the sensation you would get when standing on your head...but just in my veins in my neck. It's hard to explain. It's a fullness and it's annoying. I discussed it with my oncologist and basically since my vein on the side of the tumor was almost totally blocked off, my blood started working it's way around the problem. It's not quite as efficient. I see new little veins sometimes when I sing or talk a lot. I can tell the veins really pop out and so could he. He said it might get better or more likely I'll get used to it. I love to sing and this does cause some problems with it. It's not major but it makes me hold notes a little less long and it also makes me VERY aware of the bulging veins in my neck. I am worried everyone is looking at me thinking that I am straining myself but truly I am not. It's just like that. I also have this thyroid nodule in my neck that you can see. It's not huge or obviously you'd see it in all my pics. You could see it if you met me and I told you where it was. There are so many things I have to get used to. The scars on my chest I think I am finally accepting as a part of me. I wore my Halloween costume and didn't think much of it until my daughter asked if it bothered me. I shrugged and realized that no...it did not bother me. I think that alone is a pretty big step. I can't wait to be totally used to the different pressure in my neck and I remind myself to just be thankful that it's not like it was!

2 comments:

BK said...

Sandi, I learned something from you today, "...I remind myself to just be thankful that it's not like it was." We really should be grateful. I used to think that to be grateful to be alive is something crazy. But as I grow older, I start to be grateful to be alive and kicking everyday I wake up in the morning; it gives me yet another chance to make a different in the lives of others. Thank you.

Ari Koinuma said...

Hello --

Just stopping by to say hello. Thanks for coming to visit my blog. And I must say, your story is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing your journey through your blog.

Keep in touch!

ari
ourbestversion.com