Monday, June 29, 2009

The Worst Nightmare

I haven't had any really paranoid thoughts about my cancer in a long time. Since I had the CT scan I have honestly been doing so much better with the worry about recurrence. It's a normal thing to worry about it coming back I know. I tell myself this and I have adjusted to not feeling exactly as I used to feel. I don't like it one bit but I am now getting used to it.

So when I had a nightmare a few nights ago about it coming back, it took me by surprise. It was a horrible nightmare. It would be awful for anyone who hasn't had cancer, much less for someone who has. Maybe it's because of what happened to Farrah Fawcett. Perhaps it's because of other blogs I read. Either way I dreamt that my doctor called me into his office and told me my cancer was back. Then he quickly informed me that this time he couldn't cure it and I would die. About the time I was gasping and trying to take in all this information I quietly woke up, rolled over, saw my husband and informed him he needed to give me a big hug.

What a way to wake up.

10 comments:

Sandee said...

That's an awful nightmare for sure. I will it not to come true too.

Have a terrific day. :)

GypsyFox said...

aww honey I'm sure it's because that will always be in the back of your mind, I had a HORRIBLE nightmare last night actually & it was about something that forever haunts me..UGH I hate nightmares, BIG HUGS to you honey, stay strong! XOXO

MaryAnne said...

I'm sorry, that sounds awful...

Moms On The Go said...

That is horrible:(

Jan from BetterSpines said...

Sandi. Yes, it never goes away. The fear. At least you woke up and it was (just) a nightmare. Get lots of hugs!

Keith said...

As a husband of a survivor, I kind of know what you mean. I say kind of because I haven't walked in your shoes or my wives. But my worry use to be soooo intense that I stopped going to the doctor and freaked out anytime anyone I knew went.

The good news, is after ten years and no recurrence (she had an aggressive breast cancer & was pregnant at the time)the worrying has really abated a lot. Back to pre-cancer times, which I never thought we'd get to. I'm sorry for your pain and know it will get better for you!!!

Keith

Sherri @ Luv a Bargain said...

Oh Sandi...I know that must have been a terrible feeling. Hugs from me too.

thirty2nds said...

What a crappy thing to live with. I'm glad it was a dream...

HTC said...

Ma'am from just reading your blog I commend you for everything you do. Don't you worry at all, your going to be fine because you have a great heart! Have a great day and life for that matter!!!

Beth L. Gainer said...

I love your postings. This one about recurrence really hit home for me. I survived breast cancer and am considered in remission. I agree about another blog you wrote about what chemo is like. Very on point.

Although it's normal to be concerned about recurrence, it still is always going to be with us. Whenever I get an ache or pain, I think it might be the cancer returning.