Friday, August 14, 2009

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

I really am not. I think all this time I have been still afraid of facing cancer itself. I faced it yes. I dealt with it head on but during my time of being sick I didn't search for things on it. I didn't read other people's blogs about it. I avoided it and dealt with only MY particular situation. I didn't want to hear of other's battles with Hodgkin's because it made me fear what happened to them might happen to me. It is scary because you really don't want to start to compare yourself but you can't really help it. You see a symptom they have and say hey, do I have that symptom too? It's not good and 18 months into remission I have learned that it's ok. I can read other people's stories and I am not really scared anymore. I know my story is just that. Mine. I dealt with things in my way and other people deal with it in theirs. I can't explain why something happens to one person and not another.

I created this blog to draw people here to help them but now I finally feel safe enough to not only draw others here but to go out and seek others too. I can read other blogs. I don't stress as much about it coming back. It's not like I sit here and say it won't ever come back or that I won't ever get another cancer but I think it doesn't consume me anymore. I will deal with whatever life throws my way on my own. I will deal with it as it comes and not a moment before. What is the point in sitting here wasting your life stressing about what may or may not ever happen? It's hard to not stress but it's never done me any good in the past and that hasn't changed. I think my life is about helping others and I believe the further I go in life the more that will show in my actions and words. It's why I want to be a nurse and I have never felt so strongly in my life about anything but that I am supposed to be a nurse and go into Oncology. I know it will be hard but it's what I must do.

I just sat here last night reading through blogs and looking at cancer related things and realized four simple words. I'm not afraid anymore.

10 comments:

Jan from BetterSpines said...

That is a hugely powerful realisation! And a great release of bottled up dread, probably. Now you can get on with life and move forward.

Sandee said...

I only have three words for this post...GOOD. FOR. YOU!

Have a terrific day and weekend Sandi. :)

Southern Sage said...

Excellent.
Congrats!!!

Split Rock Ranch said...

What an epiphany for you and how powerful that must make you feel. You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You're going to make an excellent oncology nurse!

drppanda said...

Please do not worry that much for hodgkin's it is better then non-hodgkin's .You will be able to lead a near normal life.

Dori said...

What a great realization! God bless you always :)

Orions Mom said...

Congrats Sandi, it's such a wonderful thing to let go of your fears!

Also, you've been tagged, come on over to my blog and check out the details if you want to pass it on :)

yeokeehui@gmail.com said...

God be with you.

Jonha Ducayag Revesencio said...

Thanks for the courage and you and your child both of you are amazing! Thanks for sharing the journey with us. :)

Please continue being a blessing to all the people you're in contact with, locally or virtually.

Glynis said...

Please say a quiet prayer for my friend today. As a nurse I am 99% certain the news is going to be bad, very bad. She has just had surgery and I am waiting for the results.

I am so glad you are looking forward to a good life.