Sunday, May 17, 2009

Remembering



I have been thinking now that a little over a year has gone by in remission, of all that I have been through. It's insane when you think about it. You are dished out all this news in such a small amount of time. My human brain had a terrible time absorbing it all. It was so hard to really understand when I felt so sick just how sick I was. I just wanted to *feel* better. I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted to feel better THEN I could think.

That picture above was taken November 16th, 2007. I went into labor at 3 a.m. November 17th. So I got no bigger than that. I was 36 weeks along. I think I look pretty big!! I love it though. I didn't lose my hair. (not all of it) So I managed to not look like a big fat bald lady. Trust me. I was terrified of being bald AND fat. It may seem vain in the whole scheme of things but I like to feel attractive at least. I never felt too unattractive while I was sick. There was a time...but I was so out of it I didn't know much anyway. When I spent 5 days in the hospital trying to stop my preterm contractions.



I was high on Magnesium and definitely did not feel well at all. I needed oxygen to help me breathe.


I feel so ugly in those pictures but I have never been afraid to show them because it's my reality. It makes it more real to me too I think. It all happened day by day and I dealt with each thing individually. I tried not to let it all get to me and scare me. It wasn't easy. I only got terrified once. It was when they found the fluid around my heart. I got really scared. Now that I had the good ECHO I can finally put that behind me officially.


For those regular readers, these pictures will look familiar. This one reminds me of my scars.



On the far left is my biopsy scar. I hate the dent. I have a dent from where they literally had to shave bone. The big plus sign is now replaced with a little black dot. It is from where the radiation was done. They mark you with permanent marker. I couldn't wash that off and they touched it up everyday. The right side is where the port was. It's bandaged in this picture. That was right after they took it out. They took it out before I even finished radiation.



The picture above is from the ceremony the day of my final chemo. I got a certificate. I was having preterm contractions here just as I did the chemo before it. I spent one night in the hospital. I went through the whole ceremony knowing I'd be going to the hospital when I got done.




Almost a year later here, my hubby and I go out to celebrate my 33rd birthday.





Look how grown up Gabriella is now. She is even talking on the phone. haha Or pretending too anyway. She's such a big girl.



She's my little miracle baby. We've been through so much together. I am thankful to be in remission and that my baby girl is ok. I have so many more pictures. Each one brings back memories, some good...some not so good. I still like to sit here and browse through them. I look at that face and into those little eyes and everything feels right. I have learned a lot and grown so much. I have thought many times that she won't understand all she went through to get here, but I'll sure do my best letting her know.




13 comments:

Mama said...

wow, what a huge thing to go through. what does not kill you will only make you stronger!

Paola said...

well done and bravo, celebrate each day with those gorgeous children a true gift. Thanks for your inspiration, and keep it real

Mars said...

Hello Sandy,

I remember back when I first visited your blog that I shed tears because of pity, amazement and your will power. I planned to send you a message but when I was in the process of doing so, my mind goes blank. Anyway, I am proud of the strength that you have, I am proud of you and I will always pray for you.

Mars

iceah said...

wow! lets all thank the Lord for this His love endures forever c:

Melissa said...

Your baby is beautiful, and so are you. I love to look through old photos too, the things you remember are amazing.

MaryAnne said...

You look pretty amazing for a cancer patient.

I was a toddler when I had cancer, and I never saw photos until I was 18 at my grandparents' house. Even though they aren't necessarily cute pictures, I like having the photos now - it's a part of who I am.

Fermin said...

Hello Sandi... you know you're really such a winner, you have related your story in a way that is so inspiring, keep it up and God will always be with you and your family...

Sandee said...

What a heart warming post Sandi.

Have a terrific day. :)

Chickenista said...

What a difference in a year!

I gave you an award on my blog♥

Call Center Gal said...

You showed us how strong you can be as a person even if you are feeling something different in your body.

I wish you'll feel better soon Sandi! :)

Shop with Me Mama said...

Big hugs to you Mama!

schizoshrink said...

you're looking good despite the tough situation going through.. God bless you!

n3os said...

my wife still pregnant, now 5 mount.thx for ur information. nice blog mam.....