How Hodgkin's Changed My Chest

I always liked my chest. It was just right. Smooth. I never felt too bony or too heavy. I felt just right. I noticed right before the doctors diagnosed me my chest was a lot more full. You could not see my clavicle on my right side at all, but you could on the left. I found that so odd. Of course it was odd and something my doctor noticed immediately.

So here is a before shot of my chest.


And a couple more





And here are some after shots. First the surgery that started it all. The surgery was May 4th 2007. This was most likely the next day. I stayed in ICU. Remember I was also several weeks pregnant. I am linking this one because it's a bit more graphic. I had staples in my chest and it's a pretty nasty looking cut.

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/264760/biopsy.jpg


This is right after my port surgery.




This is a good shot of the port itself



And another angle with biopsy scar and port.



After port removal and marked for radiation:



Now what my chest looks like with port gone and biopsy scar. It's pretty obvious here. I don't mind so much the scar as I do the indention. They had to actually shave off bone to get to the tumor so it dents in pretty good. One day, I hope to maybe fix that somehow. I try to remember they are my war wounds. You can't see it as well but I have a scar from the port that actually looks a little keloided. It grew and got red and puffy..sometimes itches. It's not gigantic or anything but I think I put a little makeup on it for my Halloween outfit. It did a good job covering it I think.

How It Feels To Be the Caregiver

One thing that used to be a touchy subject for me and my husband, was who my cancer was harder on. Yes it sounds crazy doesn't it? Of course I had it more rough! Or so I always told myself. Yes, I had a terrible time and I was the one lying in bed for a month. I couldn't breathe and with each gasping breath I did take it caused great pain. I couldn't eat without being sick. I couldn't sit up without gagging, coughing, choking. Then my husband made me realize how incredibly difficult it was. I caught him one night watching me while I slept. I just opened my eyes in the middle of the night and there he was sitting on the floor by my bed, staring at me. I felt loved. It wasn't until later I realized he was afraid I would stop breathing in the night. My breathing was loud, wheezing, gasping.

It finally hit me. He asked me "What would you do if you had to listen to your child breathe like that at night, knowing they could die?" I get stressed out and worry when my child gets the flu. How much more would I worry about cancer? I hate stress and worry. It can eat a person alive. That's what it was doing to my husband for a year. He said he watched me sleep a lot. I do know for a fact he would stay up all night long and only take naps when he knew I was awake or that my older daughter was home from school. He was afraid to leave me for a moment. I was carrying his child as well so it didn't help. He drove me to every single appointment. He never missed a single sonogram for the baby. He was at every chemo treatment. I couldn't have done it alone. If I talked like I might not get through or what would he do if I didn't, he'd immediately tell me that was not even an option so I may as well shut up. I chuckle about it because I love it. I love that he gave me no choice!

I spoke earlier about what do you say to a person who is diagnosed with cancer and the truth is all you can do is support them. Tell them you are thinking of them, you love them, or tell them they're strong, you know they can do it, definitely don't ever refer to it as terminal or without hope even if that's what you have really heard. Otherwise there is no right or wrong thing to say. It's hard to be the person that doesn't have cancer. You love someone who is so sick and you feel at a complete loss. You can't save their life though you want to. You feel totally helpless. My husband felt that way. I saw it more clearly after I got better. He once told me that after I was declared in remission he could then have his stroke. I told him he better not dare. We are getting through it together! I think much love and respect needs to be given to those who are losing sleep caring for and worrying over a loved one or friend who is sick. That in itself is painful like a disease. So from a patient I want to give my love, respect and humble adoration for all you caregivers out there who give so much of yourself helping those who need it, when they need it most.

What Do you Say to Someone Diagnosed with Cancer?

It's hard really to know what to say to anyone who has gone through any kind of hardship. You never know what to say and you always feel like it comes out wrong. When I was diagnosed my doctor was very positive about me being cured. I was given the high statistics and I felt pretty good about getting better. The pregnancy was very scary but honestly I tried not to dwell on those thoughts. I stayed positive. I still have no idea how I did it. I did though and I think I could do it again.

I got a lot of comments after my diagnosis but a few stood out. I was on the phone with a family member when she handed the phone to a family friend who pretty much started crying into the phone and saying she'd looked up information on the Internet and it wasn't good. It was so bad. I felt like I had to comfort her. She didn't have the facts right but this was immediately after my diagnosis. I noticed people will treat you like you are already dead. Some people stopped talking to me at all. I knew some were worried because it took a lot out of me. I panted and you could hear me having trouble breathing but I really felt like some people were scared because they thought I was dying. I never looked at myself like I was dying unless others treated me that way.

I really did need to hear from friends and family though. You may think a person diagnosed just wants to be alone but for me that was so far from the truth. I wouldn't take calls if I didn't feel up to it. If I took the call it meant I wanted it...or maybe even needed it. I needed comfort, love, support. It all made a great deal of difference. Most people would call my husband and get updates from him. I would drill him each day about who called and what they said. Knowing that people cared gave me that much more strength. Don't ever talk to someone with cancer like they are dying, or talk down to them like you feel so sorry for them. My hubby did the best thing. He told me I was getting better and that was that. I couldn't say what if. I had no choice in the matter according to him. It always made me chuckle. It also made me stronger.