Do You Have a Needle Phobia?

I have never been afraid of needles. I remember as a young child liking that anxiety that built up before a shot. Call me strange but after I got the shot, which I did not enjoy, I got to show off my war wound to my friends. All little kids feel getting a shot is a big deal and somehow you've earned bragging rights. The band aid covering the wound proves it.

What do you do if you have a needle phobia and are diagnosed with cancer? I often wondered about this after being stuck with a needle for the 3rd or 4th time in a day. You see I had trouble with my port. That is where they inject the chemo. The nurses could never get blood from it like they are supposed to so I always had to have them take blood from my arm and get stuck in my port for chemotherapy on top of that. Take into consideration days when I had to go to my OB/GYN for blood work and tests I got stuck with needles a whole lot.

I would think to myself during those times it was sure good I didn't have a fear of needles. I do not know how you could do it if you did. I don't mind the needles. Most often it was just a little pinch and once it's in it's not too bad. There were a couple of times it felt my arm was on fire. I have to admit it totally depends on the nurse. I have had bruised arms after needles and then barely any proof I had a needle on other days. It all just depends on the skill of the nurse. I hated IVs. Those are much more painful but really it only hurts getting it in. After it's in, it's not too big of a deal. Still, how could you do it? If you are afraid of needles I don't know how you could make it through something like cancer which involves a whole lot of needles! My port needle was bigger and fatter than a normal needle. It went through the skin each time too. My port was under my skin. This is what the needle that goes into the port looks like:


This is where they stuck it:




So I again ask, if you do have a needle phobia, do you think you could manage getting all those needle sticks?

How Hodgkin's Changed My Chest

I always liked my chest. It was just right. Smooth. I never felt too bony or too heavy. I felt just right. I noticed right before the doctors diagnosed me my chest was a lot more full. You could not see my clavicle on my right side at all, but you could on the left. I found that so odd. Of course it was odd and something my doctor noticed immediately.

So here is a before shot of my chest.


And a couple more





And here are some after shots. First the surgery that started it all. The surgery was May 4th 2007. This was most likely the next day. I stayed in ICU. Remember I was also several weeks pregnant. I am linking this one because it's a bit more graphic. I had staples in my chest and it's a pretty nasty looking cut.

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/264760/biopsy.jpg


This is right after my port surgery.




This is a good shot of the port itself



And another angle with biopsy scar and port.



After port removal and marked for radiation:



Now what my chest looks like with port gone and biopsy scar. It's pretty obvious here. I don't mind so much the scar as I do the indention. They had to actually shave off bone to get to the tumor so it dents in pretty good. One day, I hope to maybe fix that somehow. I try to remember they are my war wounds. You can't see it as well but I have a scar from the port that actually looks a little keloided. It grew and got red and puffy..sometimes itches. It's not gigantic or anything but I think I put a little makeup on it for my Halloween outfit. It did a good job covering it I think.

Biopsy Surgery was Bad.....Port Surgery?

Well, my port surgery in itself was not bad. Port surgery is so hard to explain. I had no idea what it even was before I had it done. I am including a picture of the port itself. I had to be put to sleep to have it done. It was only a 30 minute surgery. They woke me up by literally pulling me out of bed and dragging me to the bathroom. I was so out of it. I was bandaged for awhile but when the bandages were off I had a hard lump in my chest with a tube you can totally feel going up and then disappearing somewhere inside. The tube went into a vein...this distributed the chemo without lots of pokes into the veins in my arms. The needle wasn't exactly small. It had to penetrate the plastic port in my chest. I was always told to take a deep breath and they'd push it in. It was never a pleasant experience but you do get used to it. My nurses could never get my blood to come out of this thing. It's supposed to, but it would never work. My chemo thankfully did go INTO it alright so I didn't have to have that in the arm. I got poked and prodded so much back then. Getting a needle now is just not a big thing to me at all.

Having the port removed was another story. They kept me awake for that. If you go back and read my old posts you can see what I wrote the day it happened. Basically I had a bigger scar there from the original port surgery than the doc thought I should. So he tried to cut away the scar and extra tissue while removing the port thinking it would look better. This scar got so bad and grew all fat. It's not as long as the biopsy scar but it itches more and occasionally gets stabbing pains in it. This happens out of the blue and only on occasion. I won't complain. It's more annoying than anything. I am including pics of the needle and port so you can get an idea of what I mean. I put a picture of the port in my chest in my earlier post about the ugy side of cancer.

7th Chemo (August 15, 2007 - Wednesday)

11:46 AM - 7th chemo, more than halfway done!
Current mood: content

Well, yesterday was my 7th chemo. I got there a bit after 9 and they called me in to insert the IV into my port. Again tried to draw blood through it to no avail. It just will not work. Not for blood draws anyway. It hurt when she jabbed the needle into my port. Worse than it ever has. I don't know why. Sometimes I can barely feel it, then others I feel it bad. You all need to understand what this port is. I have a plastic drum inserted under my skin. You can see a bump on my upper left chest. Not super big but it's there. Then a tube is running through my vein from the port. That tube and drum are always there until I have it removed. I can feel it under the skin. Anyway, so then the nurse picks of the syringe to flush the port. She pushes the syringe down and it won't budge. OK. This was odd. She realizes she hasn't clamped down the port needle or something and so she puts her hands on it and pushes, HARD. Ouch! Finally she gets the thing flushed and then has to draw from my arm again to get blood. Why, my veins hurt today I don't know. Last time she bruised me and it didn't hurt. This week she bragged about not bruising me and it hurt worse than any shot or needle I have ever had. She inserted this thing and it burned like my arm was on fire. I grimaced and held tight to the chair while waiting for my blood to fill up in this stupid thing. Finally it was done and my arm was tender and my port. So I see the doc, explain the lumpy throat feeling. Not too concerned, we will just watch it. It comes and goes I have noticed. One day it bothers me, the next I barely notice it. Who knows. Anyway, I get in the chair for chemo. Appointment at 9:30. Chemo started around 11 something. Yes, I wait so long on these days. She put in the syringe to flush it again. This has to be done lots of times. Anyway it wouldn't go in again so she had to grab the plastic bit around the needle and push down again. She pushed and jabbed and wiggle the port around. OUCH! I avoid hitting this thing, anyone touching it, moving around. And here she is just grinding it. I was seriously sore after this one. Anyway she got it to work alright and we started the chemo. I got done about 1:15 with all of it. While I was sitting there getting my chemo I noticed a very frail old man across from me. He had no port and they were trying to insert the IV into his arm. I saw him grimacing and stretching out in silent pain. His daughter (I assume) was holding his hand tight. Poor old guy. His cheeks were sunken in and he was skinnier than I ever was. (lol) Anyway, this nurse gives up and the guy has several bandages on his arm. This was obviously not her first try today. Another nurse came and tried the other arm. I swear it took them a good 30 minutes to insert his IV while I tried not to look too much. It's hard when he is right there though. Poor guy. After it got inserted he slept in that chair the rest of the day. I left before him and he was still sleeping. So, it could definitely be worse. Everyone sitting in one of those chairs there has a story. I can't help but wonder. Anyway that was my day. It was not too bad. I had dinner afterwards at a restaurant in the mall. I had an awesome chicken parmesan. It was the best perhaps I've ever eaten. So my day didn't end too bad and I feel good today :) My hemoglobin was low again, or in other words I am anemic as usual with this chemo. Nothing I can do about it though. But my white blood count was good so I am happy. :)