aaaaaaaaaaaarggggh!

So, suddenly you can't comment on my blog?? I can't figure it out either. I have no idea what is wrong. I have looked at my settings and everything seems fine. You can see comments on my old posts. You can see the comment button for posts with no comments. It says 0 comments. I have messed with it and looked around and clicked here and there to no avail. I am getting really really frustrated here.

The Ugly Side of Cancer

I'm just going back through some old pictures....from the past year. It's been almost a year since my very last chemo. October 23rd November 2007 was my last chemo. It's hard to believe. I found some pictures from during my treatments and thought I'd share.

First picture is AFTER chemo. You see the huge biopsy scar, the bandage from where they removed the port that was used to give me chemo (which has a nice little scar now too) and the big black x made with a permanent marker for radiation. I had to leave that there for 1 month while treatment was underway. I figured people would think I was some weirdo who drew on herself.




Here is a picture I probably didn't want to show back then. The port. I lived with this lump in my chest for about a year. It felt weird when it was gone.




This picture may not look bad to someone. I know what is wrong though. Seriously wrong. I could hardly breathe here. It was at the stage when if I so much as lifted an arm it would make my face turn red and choke me. Now, it was obviously not as bad as I got because I could still get around. I knew when I took this pic something was wrong. I thought I looked full....something odd. Well yes. You see one clavicle, not not the other. You see the vein sticking out of my neck on my right. That's because the huge tumor was in my chest pushing everything out. It was compressing my veins and as my doc put it, I had the neck of a linebacker.




No, some people may not think that looked bad. I hated that pic. I always thought I looked weird.




Here is my hardest moment. The worst. I had this surgery literally the day after the doc told me he thought it was lymphoma. It was early in the morning. I had only known I was pregnant for a couple of weeks. We didn't even know how the baby would handle the anesthesia. I had to have my surgery sitting up. The surgeon was a cardiac surgeon because of the location of the tumor. He had never done a surgery with a patient sitting almost straight up. They had to create a wedge sort of thing for me to sit up against because if I were to lie flat I could not breathe. They cut into my chest and yes shaved a little bone. It's gross...but this is my reality. I see a dip in my chest from this!! It's in the tip of the scar which by the way has a permanent black dot on the tip of it to always mark where I had radiation.




Now...me at my sickest. I rarely post these pics but I think the reality of cancer does need to be shown.






And now, my PET Scan. I took a shot with my phone while I was waiting for the radioactive drug to course through my veins. I have to get injected and wait for almost an hour. They won't even stay near you or touch the needle they inject you with. It's all in a big metal cylinder. Seriously. It's that dangerous....and they injected it in me. =/



This is a pic of me, the day I finished chemo and had a ceremony and got a certificate. I was VERY pregnant and actually went into the hospital that night with preterm contractions for the second time.




And just because I am an insecure person posting nasty pics of myself I have to find one good new healthy pic of me.

Football Anyone?

This Friday will be an interesting game for me. I have lived in my current town now, since February. We bought a house here. It was like a new beginning for me since 2007 was such a hard year. I am enjoying this town. The school is not a bad one, even though I did just rant about my kids not learning their math at school. I'm just irritated. I get over things pretty quickly though. haha Anyway my girls really have the team spirit here. Last week was our homecoming and I think the score ended in the upper 60's...to ZIP. We are undefeated. I love that feeling. I haven't been able to make it to any games. I do keep track of the scores and I watch the news and look at the web for updates. With the baby, it's just too cold to go out to the games. The hubby goes though. He fills me in. The big deal about this game? They are playing MY school. The school I went to from Kindergarten until I graduated. I was a lucky girl. I got to go to one school from Kindergarten to 8th. Then I attended my highschool Freshmen and Sophomore year. We then consolidated with a nearby town, moving my school 6 miles to a new building. The school did change names but it was still the same school system. This is my team. I was on the Pom Pon squad...did the school dance with my shiny pom pons. They are a great team. The football team there has always been great. They are undefeated this year. They are going head to head Friday night. Both undefeated. Now. Who should I feel more loyalty to? This is hard! I want to support my kids school, my town and in some ways that's where I lean towards. Then I think about MY school. I can't help but feel loyalty to them too. What are your thoughts?

Long Day

It wasn't such a bad day this morning. Gabriella and I did our usual thing. I did some cleaning and things were honestly pretty relaxed. Then my older 3 got home from school. I picked them up and when I was picking up my 6 year old I heard grinding. Grinding sounds coming from your car = NOT GOOD. So, I am kinda wondering what that sound is. I hope it's not bad brakes. I actually lost all brakes back in the olden days...when I was like 17. My brakes went out on my car about oh...100 feet from railroad tracks. Yeah. Scary. Anyway. I'm still alive so it turned out ok evidently. haha Anyway that was problem number one. Then, I get home and my 8 year old has an F on a math paper. I get stressed and blame myself for these things. I have helped her with it so many times. My 11 year old is having to learn if numbers are divisible by other numbers blah blah blah. So I have to basically TEACH her everything. Do they not teach at school?? haha I have so many other things going on. I want to help her but I am not just *helping* her. I am reading her entire lesson and going over the WHOLE thing with her and showing her exactly how to do it, even throwing in my old hints and tips. I feel like I may as well be homeschooling all of them. That's just my stress for today. Then my cable went out for a couple of hours. Now, Gabriella is fussy. So, I am off to put her to bed. I hope I can get about 2 seconds to relax tonight!

The Falling Leaves

I love this time of year, when each day a few more leaves fall off the trees. As long as there are no terribly windy storms or bad rains, we'll get to see a vast array of colors as the cold starts to set in and the leaves change and then fall from the trees. I decided to start taking one picture per week of the pretty trees in my backyard. It will document how many leaves fall per week and how much color change there is. I have some pretty trees back there. I will probably take pictures of other areas with a lot of colorful trees too just so I don't miss any of that beauty. Seriously...it's so gorgeous here this time of year. The corn is coming down for harvest and you can see for miles across the empty fields. Pumpkins by the semi full keep making their way through my town. It really gives the whole fall feeling.

Here is the promised picture.